Hello everybody, and welcome to another edition of Reading Between The Ropes. At the end of another long day, I glance over at my pillow with great excitement at what awaits me. Oh, how I long to rest my aching bones and joints. Mustnât get too exited, I tell myself, or the adrenaline will kick in, and my slumber will turn to hyperactive tendencies. Yet, like a present under the Christmas tree on December 24th, Iâm forced to wait for the soft, warm and comforting present that awaits my tired body and mind. How I digress at the prospect of cleaning ones teeth. As the desire to get the laborious task over with produces a further rush of adrenaline, I find myself no longer tired in the mind. This is not good. This is not what I wanted. Itâs done it to me again. Itâs woken me up from my zombie-like state. Itâs stirred something inside of me that I didnât want stirred. No longer will my head hitting the pillow be swiftly followed by the null of a peaceful sleep. I can now look forward to darting eyes, alert senses and an over-excitable state of mind.
Think, Mitch⦠think.
Count sheep? No, thatâll never work. Concentrate on nothing? Too difficult. Sing a lullaby? Too childish. Watch TV? Iâll end up watching all night!
I know! Letâs think of a bizarre pseudo-alter-universe where things arenât quite what they seem. (Editorâs Note: Yes, I know that for 99.9% of you this is the last thing youâd ever consider, but come on people, work with me here). On the surface, everything looks the same, but what if there was a subtle change in this universe. A change that, if detected, becomes extremely overt to those in the know. A change so significant to those already encompassed in its diagetic, that when unleashed upon its denizens, the very notion of this phenomenon ever being remotely considered as subtle becomes akin to asking a Muslim for a Christmas card. A concept so simple, yet completely and utterly earth shattering to those impacted upon. And what is this crazy thought which will warp my mind so much that it will frazzle my brain, thus rendering me incapable of doing and wishing anything other than to let my mind rest? Well, itâs the greatest hypothetical question on earth. No! Not how the universe began. I said hypothetical. The other one. Yep⦠that one. The one that asks â~What if⦠wrestling were real?â
Think of the possibilities. Think of the change. Think of the⦠think of the⦠eyes getting heavy⦠mind getting wearing⦠I⦠Iâ¦
Wow, that did the trick. Nothing like a good nightâs sleep to refresh and recharge the batteries.
As I awaken from my slumber, I hear a commotion coming from another room. I leave my bedroom to investigate this muffling noise; the sound of cheers and screams. As I follow the increasing bedlam, the sounds become crisper and clearer. I hear two voices talking over-excitedly. I instantly place the tones as being those of sports commentators. As I enter the living room I see another version of myself watching wrestling on the television set. The show draws to a close, and I see my doppelganger turn the television off. He turns to me and begins speaking (Editorâs Note: We shall call this alternate version of myself as Alter Mitchell, whom will thereafter be referred to simply as AM, while yours truly will be MLG).
Alter Mitchell â” âHow about last nightâs Title match, huh? What a classic it turned out to be. Probably one of the most enthralling matches Iâve seen in my time. At the five minute mark both men seemed to be flagging, but they sucked it up and continued to fight on. A match for the ages, perhaps?â
Iâm shocked at his blasé attitude to the fact that I am exactly the same as he is. Without mention of it, he delves straight in to talk of wrestling. Startled, and taken aback by his apathy towards this spooky coincidence that a person with the exact same features as I has somehow entered my home and watched my television set, then dared to speak as if I were his best friend, I say the only thing that comes to mindâ¦
Mitchell â” âCome again?â
AM â” âOh, do you not watch wrestling?â
MLG â” âUmmm⦠yeah⦠sure.â
Damn, I answered his question. Why? Why arenât I verbally berating him for breaking in to my home? Perhaps my leniency stems from the fact that this man is… well⦠me.
AM â” âYou seem confused.â
MLG â” âI am confused.â
AM â” âYouâre probably wondering why Iâm here.â
MLG â” âI am wondering why youâre here.â
AM â” âAnd why Iâm asking you about wrestling.â
MLG â” âThatâs 3 outta 3, pal.â
AM â” âWell, I have those answers for you. You see, Iâve been sent here, to your home, from an alternate universe to tell you about my planet. A planet which has the answers to a question you dared to ask last night. The question of â~What if wrestling were real?ââ
This cannot be. Excited and amazed, I answer quickly, with added zest to my voice.
MLG â” âYou know the answer to that question?â
AM â” âYes. On my planet wrestling is 100% real. Every move, every match, every result, every rivalry. Itâs all real. Nothing is choreographed. Well, except when Milli-Vinilli had that one match against one another. Now that was a scandal. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. Real. As real as things can be in your world at times, nothing compares to REAL, real wrestling.â
MLG â” âTell me.â
AM â” âI can do you one better. Iâll show you.â
Alternate Mitchell proudly waves a VHS above his head.
MLG â” âPlay it.â
AM â” âAll in due time, my friend. You are not ready just yet.â
MLG â” âWhen will I be ready?â
AM â” âYou will know.â
MLG â” âHow are things different in your world?â
AM â” âIn our world, wrestling matches donât usually last very long. Within a few seconds an arm bar or a wristlock normally induces a tap out. Hardly a spectacular and aesthetically pleasing move, but it gets the job done more often than not. Whenever somebody tries to apply an easy on the eye submission manoeuvre, like a figure four or a sharpshooter, a swift kick in the butt and a wriggle of the hips and legs normally leads to an escape. Come to think of it, what the hell is a sharpshooter? And the only crabs Iâve seen from Boston are the ones on the beach that walk sideways.â
MLG â” âAre all matches that short?â
AM â” âNo. Itâs either one extreme or the other. Most donât last long, but there are exceptions, and they are extreme exceptions which lie completely at the other end of the spectrum. Pinfalls are a rarity. The last time I saw a pinfall I was watching on a black and white television. Again, the â~wriggle factorâ comes in to play. Even the big behemoths can barely apply enough pressure to keep their opponent down. Unless the opponent is more or less knocked unconscious, thereâs more than a good chance that theyâll escape any lateral press.
MLG â” âCan you show me yet? Let me see what this â~wriggle factorâ you talk of is all about.â
AM â” âLike I said, youâre not ready yet.â
MLG â” âWhen will I be ready?â
AM â” âYouâll know.â
MLG â” âWhat about showman-like moves. Crowd pleasers, if you will.â
AM â” âWhatâs a â~peopleâs elbowâ?â
MLG â” âA â~peopleâs elbowâ?â
AM â” âYes, a â~peopleâs elbow.ââ
MLG â” âHuh?â
AM â” âI said I donât know what a â~peopleâs elbowâ is.â
MLG â” âBut⦠how did you know what itâs called?â
AM â” âI donât. What is it? I donât know what youâre talking about.â
MLG â” âI didnât bring it up. I didnât even mention it.â
AM â” âYou said a â~peopleâs elbowâ. What is it?â
MLG â” âNever mind. Anyway, what kinds of moves are common in your world?â
AM â” âSpectacular moves or superb spots are virtually non-existent. Any time there seems a remote chance of a breath-taking exchange of moves taking place, the wrestler on the receiving end high-tails it out of the ring to settle the pace of the match back down to a boring lull. Thatâs why some matches can last hours on end.â
MLG â” âDo people like wrestling much in your world?â
AM â” âItâs still well-liked, but itâs even more of a joke now to the common public than it is in your world. In your world it gets chastised for not being real by fans of other sports and everyday folk, but in our world things arenât much better. Wrestling seems to be the poor manâs alternative to the UFC. Of course, in the UFC closed fists are perfectly legal. Kick-boxing styles are also welcomed. This is the world of wrestling, though. A world that reminds me a lot of the mixed martial arts universe, but, essentially, seems to be missing the point. Itâs like a baseball player trying to play cricket. Iâm sure they can hit the ball, but that doesnât mean they do it very well. Wrestling is trying to be something itâs not. At least thatâs what people who donât like it say. They condemn it in my world just as much as they condemn it in your world.â
MLG â” âHow do you know about my world, yet you donât know what a â~peopleâs elbowâ or sharpshooter is?â
AM â” âA peopleâs what?â
MLG â” âElbow.â
AM â” âLook. Iâm from another planet. Iâve been sent here so you can resolve some kind of epiphany. Just trust me.â
MLG â” âOkay, point taken. So all the glitz and glamour is gone then?â
AM â” âMost of it. Gone are the gorgeous bodies of the women of wrestling. Now they are full of bruises and cuts. Shiners and limps are more common than bras and panties. The most common move in the world of womenâs wrestling is the classic Grecco Roman hair-pull. Itâs just ahead of the finger twist that is so common in the menâs division.â
MLG â” âCan I see?â
AM â” âI told you, you arenât ready.â
MLG â” âBut I feel ready.â
AM â” âTrust me, youâre not.â
MLG â” âBut you⦠never mind. So storylines and feuds are non-existent?â
AM â” âOh, there are feuds, but every feud seems more or less the same. Theyâre based on competition, and competition alone. This works on some levels, but when every feud is based on the same premise, it begins to get a little tedious. I wish there were more dramatic and imaginative reasons for why two guys would want to beat the hell out of one another.â
MLG â” âIf the matches are so dull, why donât they use gimmick matches to make things more exciting?â
AM â” âThe last TLC match was a complete and utter disappointment. The bell rang and the quicker man ran straight up the side of the ladder and snatched the belt down instantly. Gimmick matches are usually a failure, and rarely are the surrounding apparatai (Editorâs Note: thatâs plural for apparatus, in case you didnât know) taken advantage of or used in any way to entertain the fans.â
MLG â” âNow this I have to see.â
AM â” âYou will.â
MLG â” âWhat about Vince McMahon?â
AM â” âAnd that is the key question. There it is right there. Now, my friend, you are ready.â
MLG â” âI am?â
AM â” âYes.â
MLG â” âJust by asking a question?â
AM â” âThe key question.â
MLG â” âI thought the key question was â~What if wrestling were real?â?â
AM â” âWhat did I say about trusting me. Just shut up and watch⦠THIS.â
And with that he picks up takes the video tape and triumphantly puts it in the video player. He presses play, and the black screen becomes bright with colours. So bright, in fact, that it⦠itâ¦
WAKES ME UP!
My head shoots off the pillow and I, startled, begin to adjust and intake all my new surroundings. My bedroom is still dark. It canât be morning yet. A few moments of breathing elapse before I begin to ponder what Iâve just been told. During this time, that horrible moment occurs where you begin to realise that you were dreaming. Itâs a grey area in between reality and dreams where you move from several different states of the mind, from confusion over what youâve just heard, an attempt to digest and understand the information, before the suspicion that things may not all be that true, and the realisation that they are not, and that it was all a dream. For those moments, you almost live in that dream world, attempting to adhere to its rules, and to conform to its norms and values. You begin to think like a citizen of the world in which you dreamt. For a second, I become that person who told me of the Grecco Roman hair-pulls, finger twists, the extreme timeframes of matches, the failed gimmick matches, the cuts and the bruises, the lame feuds, and everything else in between. I, for those brief moments, was beginning to accept those drastic changes, and even prepare to live with them.
And then? Well, then I awoke. I awoke to the real world. The real world where wrestling isnât, in essence (though, in many aspects can be), real. The real world where â~peopleâs elbowsâ, sharpshooters, Boston crabs, glitz, glamour, TLC matches, and the like, all exist, thrive and prosper. A world where I lay here staring at my real curtains, my real television set, my real posters, and⦠JERRY SPRINGER!?!?
WHAT THE ****!?!?!
What is he doing here? Sitting at the end of my room on a chair, legs crossed, hands linked, and wearing a grey suit, with a white shirt and black tie, looking as omniscient as ever. Before I even have a chance to ask, he begins talking.
Jerry â” âI know this is weird.â
Weird?! This is damn near f***ing insane!
Jerry â” âLet me explain.â
He says, getting up from his chair and turning on the side lamp, almost symbolic that he is now, literally, shedding light on the situation, as well as metaphorically doing so.
Jerry â” âTonight, Mitchell, you asked the Ultimate Question. THE question. The question to end all questions. â~What if wrestling were real?â You knew that there were some aspects of wrestling that were real already, but in asking the question, you were demanding to know how things would be if EVERYTHING was real. If every single aspect of wrestling were real, what would it be like? You found out that despite all of those who criticise wrestling for not being a legitimate, â~realâ sport, in a world where it is very much real, it still fails to gain the respect of the mainstream sports fan. Itâs still considered an alternative sport. For every mainstream sports fan that converted to wrestling because of its new, â~realâ status, there were plenty of fans that turned off because it no longer gave them the entertainment and soap-opera like universe that many loved to get lost in. Whether it be beautiful women, whacky matches, great matches, engaging feuds, or just plain fun and entertainment, something was missing from this â~realâ world of wrestling. Things just didnât work. Todayâs fan demands more. They demand bang for their buck, and by bang I mean the glitz and the glamour that needs to be part of wrestling. It just isnât the same without it. There is an old saying, â~be careful what you wish for,â and itâs stood the test of time because there is plenty of truth for it. We donât always know what we want, or, more appropriately, we may think we know what we want, but it isnât always whatâs best for us. So, the next time somebody bemoans the state of wrestling for its â~fakeâ and predetermined nature, just think of what â~realâ could do to the sport you know and love. Be good to yourselves, and each other.â
MLG â” âAmen, Jerry. Amen. Iâd take a â~peopleâs elbowâ over a Grecco Roman hair-pull any day.â
Jerry â” âWhatâs a â~peopleâs elbowâ?â
Until next time,
Mitchell L. Gadd
