My God do I hate politics. I absolutely cannot imagine a more depressing way to spend what limited life you have on earth than to be involved in the only pseudo-competition that is more of a work than pro wrestling. But, alas, it seems impossible to escape this nightly harangue of demagoguery that masquerades as discourse. Blech.
What I would like to see is for all of the pretenses to be sanded off, the masks removed, the fake facades razed and let these people just settle the presidential election where it should have been contested all along: inside a steel cage!
Yes, Iâm suggesting that we save money, time, and precious sanity by staging a pay-per-view extravaganza to determine who gets to be president. Call it â____â and book the Nassau Coliseum. A single night Battle Royal with the last man (or woman) standing declared commander-in-chief by public acclamation. The 18,000 invitation-only, drunken revelers are treated to a pre-show concert by Man Mountain Rock and then – it begins:
âGood evening everyone, Iâm Jim Ross at ringside being joined tonight by the Bully – Bill OâReilly and the King of Charm Keith Olberman where tonight, its all on the line. Tonight, the Big Apple will crown the big cheese. Tonight, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and John Edwards will fight it out in an 18-foot-high steel cage and the winner will take home politicsâ most prestigious title – president of the Unites States of America!â
âJR, the rules are simple. Each candidate will enter the cage and then the bell will ring. After that, anything goes. When a candidate is tossed over the top of the cage and hits the floor – theyâre out! The last man, or woman, standing becomes the leader of the free world!â
âOlberman, as usual, you got it wrong! No woman, I donât care how qualified, will survive the unforgiving forged steel that surrounds this ring. So shut up!â
âFans, here come the candidates!â
Barack Obama enters the ring, resplendent in a charcoal gray Brooks Brothers 3-button with a blue tie. He takes the mic. âTonight, the American dream will be realized. Not just for me, but every middle class wage earner from sea to shining sea. Tonight, I will take George Bushâs weapons of mass destruction, turn that sumbitch side ways, and shove â~em right up somebodyâs candy ass!â Crowd pops. âIf ya smell-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!….â Obama is leveled by a thunderous chair shot from behind.
âGood God, Bully! Itâs Mike Huckabee!â
Mike Huckabee, bedecked in a choir robe and clip-on halo, picks up the mic and straddles the prone form of Obama mid-ring. âOh, I smell what youâre cookinâ, Barack. I smelled it backstage.â The crowd responds, âWhat?â âI smelled it in the hotel lobby.â âWhat?!â âIn the limo.â âWhat?!â âIn the production truck.â âWhat?!â âIn the parking lot.â âWhat?!â âI smelled it all over town, Barack. And you know what it smelled like? Like a somebody whoâs about to get his ass kicked! And thatâs the bottom line, because Rolled Stone said so!â
As he basks in the pop, Huckabee is startled by music from the house speakers. âJohn! John! I think Iâm cute. I know Iâm sexy. I got the looks that drives voters wild!â Yes, John Edwards has arrived at the top of the ramp, preening and posing, mic in hand. âWell, well, well, look who thinks heâs hit the big time,â Edwards begins. âRolled Stone Mike Huckabee. Mikey, youâre not near man enough to hang with the big dogs. Youâre not half the man you think you are and you will not be president. But, above all, you cannot hang with the Flowstopper, the HeartBreck kid, John Edwards!â As Edwards makes his way down the ramp, more music plays to the house.
âNo chance! Thatâs what you got!â Starched, pressed, and coifed, the self-described âMr. Romneyâ takes a mic. âBeing a billionaire is not easy. Being the object of adoration by millions of people is a burden. But, when I get to be president, I will take great pleasure in looking each one of you losers right the eyes and saying – Youâre fired!!â As Rolled Stone Mike Huckabee and The HeartBreck Kid John Edwards watch from the ring, Barack begins coming to. âMr. Romneyâ sprints toward the ring where, unfortunately, both of his knees catch the ring apron tearing both quads. He screams in agony and knee walks back to the dressing room aided by his sons Biff, Fit, Stiff, Arch, and Louie.
âHeâs out, Bully! Mr. Romney, for sure, will not be president!â
âJR, this is another example of why The Factor is Americaâs top-rated rant. I called this one last week. And yet the loony leftâs war on Christmas continues.â âOlberman, shut up!â
Barack gets up to his knees. Edwards and Huckabee are distracted by the spectacle of the Romney party hobbling up the ramp. âAlso Sprach Zarathustraâ echoes in the arena. The crowd erupts. Barack is back on his feet.
âWhoooo!â howls John McCain. Mic in hand, he hits the stage and faces the stunned threesome in the cage. âWhoooo! Tonight, one of us will walk that aisle with the title President of the United States!â McCain slowly walks the ramp toward the ring. âBoys, tonight Mother Natureâs Boy is gonna take you to school! You are going to bleed, sweat and pay the price! Because tonight, John McCain reaches the pinnacle!â He enters the cage and the fight is on.
âGood God, king, look at the carnage! Barack is on Edwards like white on rice!â
âJR, why must you always inject race into this?â
âOlberman, shut up! JR, arenât we missing a candidate?â
âBy God, Bully, youâre onto something. Whereâs Hillary Clinton?â
From his mouth to Godâs ears. The house speakers rumble and then… âI know you want me! I know you want me!â Hillary saunters to the top of the ramp in a cheerleader outfit, strangely, without a mic. Her music continues as she vamps and cartwheels her way toward the ring. In the cage, the battle rages. Rolled Stone Mike Huckabee has surprised Mother Natureâs Boy John McCain on the top turnbuckle. McCain shakes his head vigorously but to no avail. McCain is slammed hard from the top rope to the canvas halfway across the ring. âMy God, thatâs Mrs. McCainâs baby boy!â JR notes. Hillary nears the ring. The HeartBreck Kid John Edwards has been pummeled by Barack who is setting him up for the Forgotten Peoples Elbow.
Then the lights went out.
Total. Darkness. Not a cellphone screen, not a sliver from behind a curtain. As dark as night.
âWhat the hell, King?!â JR observes. âWhat next?!â
And just as quickly, the lights are at full foot candle. And what was illuminated took everyoneâs breath away. There, in the center of the ring. Inside the 18-foot- high steel cage. Surrounded by the unconscious forms of Huckabee, McCain, Edwards, and Obama, stood Bill Clinton. With Hillary leading the cheers.
âMy fellow Americans, â he began, âI feel their pain.â He gestured toward those laying in the ring. The crowd popped huge. âSo tonight, I stand before you, a man who has said his prayers, taken his vitamins, hanged and banged with the best of â~em. Look at these men in this cage, Osama Bin Laden. If I can do this, whatcha gonna do when the Immoral Bill Clinton runs wild on you?!â
The roar as President Bill Clinton cupped his hands to his ear and faced each quadrant of the arena was deafening.
âWhatta night, men! Who would have thought that, after the way this all started, this night would end with Bill Clinton as President of the United States. For the Bully Bill OâReilly and the King of Charm Keith Olberman, Iâm Jim Ross. Weâll see ya in four years!â
The camera captured the moment as our new president and his cheerleader soaked up the adulation. Balloons fell, confetti floated, streamers streamed and âI am a real American!â blared from the speakers. But as President and Mrs. Clinton left the view of the camera, an odd image appeared in the corner of the shot. A shadowy figure secreted in a dusty alcove near the sound board. It was Al Gore smiling menacingly stroking his Nobel medal. With Monica Lewinsky nodding knowingly behind him.
